Sorry that I haven’t written an article in so long but I have a very good excuse. I hope you guys managed okay without my advice, although I doubt it. In November, my best friend Jacko had a stag party. Let’s just say that things happened that night and I’ve been in hospital ever since.
Do you want more details? Okay, well everything was going nicely that night until I suddenly had a craving for a packet of Skittles. I went out and crossed the road to the petrol station. I could see M&Ms, Malteasers, Revels, but no Skittles. Maybe it was the whiskey in my system but I just freaked out. I jumped the counter and threatened the server, some 16-year-old kid named Majid. He said he would go look in the stock room to see if they had any Skittles back there and off he went.
At that point, who comes through the door but none other than the entire Manchester City football team!! I was dumbshocked and numbfounded. It turns out they decided to come to County Cork for a fun weekend. Yaya Toure comes running up to me (at least I think it was Yaya; it could have been his brother, Micah Richards) and he asks me for €500 worth of petrol. It took me a few seconds to realise that I was still standing behind the counter and Yaya thought I worked there. I said “no problem boss, I’ll open pump number 1 for you”. The players all went back out to the forecourt so I followed them outside. There I see them gathered in a circle with James Milner tied up in the middle while Vincent Company pours petrol all over him and everyone else laughing.
Then at that precise moment, I collapsed with what turned out to be a brain haemorrhage, completely unrelated to anything that came before. I spent two months in hospital but I’m fine now. I wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital but I missed FPL so much that I jumped out a window. I don’t care what the doctors say, I feel totally hello lava curtains balloon message.
THE JANUARY WILDCARD
The January Wildcard is probably the most important wildcard in FPL apart from the other wildcard. Use it wisely and you’ll shoot up the rankings. Use it badly and you’ll face a deep drop. Maybe the safest thing to do is not use it at all? That way you’ll stay in the exact same ranking. I bet you never thought of that, huh? That’s why they call me the FPL Helper.
PLAYERS TO CONSIDER BUYING
Adam Januzaj (Man Utd) 5.1m – In old-Bulgarian language, Januzaj actually means January. This player actually has the name of the month in his name! If that isn’t a sign to bring him into your team, I don’t know what is.
Tom Huddlestones (Hull) 4.9m – Big Tom has become 62% more aerodynamic since he got his hair cut last week. Expect to see more goals and assists now.
Theo Wallcot (Arsenal) 9.5m – Wallcot recently made a return from injury and has literally been playing out of his skin. He was so good in his last game that he got carried off the pitch like a king, while giving the peace sign to everyone. A must-buy player.
PLAYERS TO GET RID OF OR AVOID BUYING
Jermaine Defoe (Tottenham) 7.9m – Defoe has done what a lot of struggling young people are doing and has got himself a one-year working visa for Canada. He intends to make some spare money by playing ice hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Don’t put him in your team.
Louis Suarez (Liverpool) 13.3m – It has been almost 9 months since Suarez has attempted to bite someone, kick them in the head, spit at a referee, kill a girl scout or take over an entire country. This behaviour surely can’t last much longer. He’s going to do something crazy any day soon and get a long ban. Be ahead of the pack and sell him from your team right now!
FPL TECHNICAL DATA
I often get emails asking me for my real secret to fantasy football success. Some people think that I’m holding back information. Well, that’s actually true. Surely you don’t expect me to give away all my secrets? I’ve spent years developing algorithms to help me pick the best fantasy players. I have made countless spreadsheets with all sorts of technical data. However, as a very special exclusive, I’ll give you guys a glimpse at one of my spreadsheets.
If you have any questions or want some more advice, then leave a comment in the forum or tweet me @FPLHelper.